Go bless yourself...

A quick show of hands, who has been running around their house doing something, been on the phone, or even been in the shower only to have a knock at the door. Then when you open the door you discover its not a friend, family member, a vacuum salesman, or even a girl scout selling cookies but a member of some religious organization with some "good news."

You can put your hands down, I really can't count. Well I can, I just can't see your hands, this is a blog, not chat roulette. So no you won't be seeing my dick...unless you ask really nicely.

But the point of the matter is I think we have all been in that situation be it someone from the Church of Latter Day Saints, the Jehovah's Witnesses, or if you are truly lucky, the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns.

Before I continue, I guess I better explain where I fit on the faith scale before what I say gets misunderstood, and when a person talks faith that can happen quite easily. But honestly, I consider myself as much as a christian as Matt Leinart is considered an NFL quarterback, I have all the potential in the world to do good, but booze and girls get in the way... A LOT.

Very few people know this about me, but at one point I honestly thought about giving my life to God. Luckily, I am/was Lutheran, so no underage hanky panky here, so lets not start those jokes. That being said, and this is the only thing I will say of it, I honestly hope there is a special place in hell for those "men" of the cloth, who took advantage of their position and covered it up. Yes, I'm looking at you, man with the pointy hat.

But back to me and not touching young boys. I was a teen myself and had a love for the church and its ideals and was thinking about pursuing a ministry. Unfortunately due to a new pastor to the congregation and him being much more of a hard-ass than his predecessor it pushed me away from the church and skewed my desire to continue "God's work"

For the record, I honestly doubt that the work I envisioned included getting people out of the shower so I could hand them comic book that will save their heathen soul. Because I know it ticks me off when I stand there in a towel, wondering how they would like it if I showed up at their door giving them a free copy of Hustler Magazine for them to peruse and tell them to ask me any questions if they would like to know more while I give the most insincere smile imaginable.

When I mentioned I was writing this blog to a friend of mine who is a church goer, they seemed apprehensive to how I would handle it. They were worried I was anti-organized religion. I am not against religion in any form but there is a huge condition to that. Whatever you believe in that gets you through the day and is also pillar of strength in tough times I am happy you have found it. I will also admit I am somewhat jealous that you can have that blind faith, as sometimes I am way too cynical and, admittedly, too sarcastic for that.

But here is the condition and its an important one. Do not forcefully disrupt the way I choose to live my life, be it something as small as a comic book when I am in a towel or something as major as strapping a bomb to your chest and blowing yourself up to get 72 virgins in your afterlife. Your ideals are not my ideals, and I am totally peachy with that, unless you are prepared to discuss the cons just as much as the pros, its probably not a good idea to bring it up. You never want to throw rocks at a man with a machine gun.

Believe me, there is nothing wrong with having faith or believing in something, however the entire "My God can beat up your God" gets really old. Because at the end of the religious fight, no one really knows who is pulling the cosmic strings be it God, Vishnu, Allah, Odin, or even Zeus. For all we know, we are some higher beings kid's ant farm and the end of the world is coming when his older brother decided to shake the glass just for fun. Ok, I'm pushing my luck there.

But when its all said and done, most religions teach the important things in life are peace, understanding, and love. So really, when it comes to faith, be it Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or "miscellaneous" (as Reverend Lovejoy puts it), the lessons are all the same, so pick one that you feel is the closest to your ideals. Then live your life the way that makes you happy, just let me say fuck as much as I want and we can get along in perfect harmony.

A letter to the US of A

Dear America,

It has been awhile since I last wrote. I do apologize its been pretty hectic up here in Canada. Been working on my house and yard a lot, getting some golf in, watching the hockey playoffs, basically enjoying my down time.

I really have been trying to make an effort to come visit since the Canadian dollar is basically even with the greenback. Unfortunately, circumstances haven't allowed it, who knows maybe in October I might come to Vegas play some poker and golf and we can catch up over beers. Canadian beers, not that coloured water you call "beer". Which reminds me of my favourite equation American Beer = Sex in a Canoe. (Fucking near water)

But in the meantime, can you STOP the madness please. You were supposed to be the leader of the free world, the poster child for freedom, and the bringer of democracy. However lately you can't get your own shit together.

For instance, is there anyway you can swallow up the so called Tea Party movement, like just open a gorge then fill in up on itself. Well not all of them, just the ones that are using it to spread hatred, racism, and stupidity. I am sure the Tea Party movement, was a grass roots effort for people to bring just criticisms to the current government but when you have people liking Obama to Hilter, Stalin, and Charles Manson in sign form maybe the message is getting slightly skewed. Plus, its seems Fox News is fueling the crazies in the movement, any chance you can pull Hannity, O'Reilly, and Bernie into the gorge with the Tea Partiers.

Also is there a way you could flood Arizona, they would never see it coming. They would be sitting around thinking a bit of rain wouldn't hurt, then bam they are paddling their couch down the street. This would help a few things, it would give the NHL an excuse to get the Coyotes out of Phoenix, er I mean Glendale.

Plus, it might open the eyes to idiots who think Obama's Presidency is against the constitution and want to see his birth certificate brought to Arizona before his re-election campaign. Why is this an issue now, do they really think the Dems were that stupid they didn't check his background before giving him the nod, or that the Republicans didn't make sure that all the Is were dotted before the election. This is the election of the President of, supposedly, the most powerful country in the free world, yet Arizona thinks its like Homer Simpson filling out Lisa's Little Miss Springfield Pageant form. (classic episode, btw)

Also, if you don't flood Arizona, can you just then disown it and make it apart of Mexico. It would totally make that illegal immigrant legislation they just passed irrelevant. I don't know how they can claim its not racial profiling if its now the cops duty to question anyone who might be an illegal immigrant. So really they are looking for illegal Mexicans, its not like Arizona has a lot of German, British, or French illegals. They claim it is OK, because the police will have to have cause for suspicion, what the hell does that mean. Do they need to be wearing a sombrero? Will cops roll into the closest Taco Bell and El Polo Loco and just card everybody? But the worst part of it is, if some jack-off doesn't think his local government is doing enough to enforce this legislation, he can sue them under the guidelines of the legislation. AYE CARUMBA.

I'm sorry America, this letter has become a bit of a rant. I do apologize, I hope we can get together sometime soon and kick it. But I am glad you have health care reform, believe me its awesome having it up here. In the mean time can I borrow 20 bucks, or should I just skip the middleman and ask China.

See you soon,
G

PS... I hope this inspires you...

Miss me... ya didnt think so...

So now I'm back from outer space,
you just clicked on here
and found me with that sad look upon my face....

ummmmm ya lets forget I was singing Gloria Gaynor...

Its been awhile, as you can see I have a new look, I find black to be way more slimming, don't you?

But its not that I was designing a kick ass background that kept me from writing, it was me. As stupid and cliche as that sounds, it was all me. I was having trouble writing due to the fact that one of my blogs insulted a good friend of mine, unintentionally,and I felt bad because of it. I have about 3 blogs half done because for lack of a better term, suck more than Paris Hilton's movie career, both legit and the other one with the sucking.

In all of my previous blogs, I didn't write as much as I blurted out on a keyboard. It was all one steady stream of twisted conscience for the world to see. Then after I realized that I insulted someone I know it was hard for me to get back in the zone. And by realized I mean traded several scathing text messages back and forth.

I have apologized several times, and I honestly meant no disrespect to them, however what I write on here may offend, may shock, may make you laugh, may make you think about the subject, or might even think I am socially retarded. (Don't all raise your hand at once) However, I do so in the name of satire, humour, and Poseidon, lord of the seas.

So I will be back soon,
G

(Editors Note: After posting this Poseidon has dropped his sponsorship of said blog. Currently in search for new Deity to sponsor, I'm looking at you Ares.)

Virtual Reality...

Just a few days ago people around the world were glued to the TVs for a spectacle like nothing else. We saw the end of weeks of competition, the highs, the lows, the triumphs, the tragedies, the happiness, the tears, the pageantry, winners, and losers.

Now what will we ever do now that "The Bachelor" is over.

Sigh

Am I the only one getting sick of this reality crap? Every second show now seems to be a "reality" based show. And I do mean based, when a show has multi-camera angles for reaction shots they didn't just get that with the one camera man they have following everyone around. Calling a show like "The Bachelor" reality is like calling Pro Wrestling a sport, its kinda in the same area code but its visiting and doesn't really live there.

While we are talking about "the Bachelor," can some girl explain to me why its ok if a guy goes on TV macks on a dozen or so girls all at the same time till he finds his "true love" in just a few weeks while the girls all cat fight over him, yet if this happens off TV the guys a player or man whore? Just asking.

Truth be known "The Bachelor" isn't even the worst, oh its terrible alright, but its not even the worst class of reality TV out there. When you have absolute shit like "Keeping up with the Kardashians," "Brooke knows Best", "The Hills" or any series that includes Flava Flav, Scott Baio or Brett Micheals, you will never be at the bottom of the TV septic tank. I really do not care about Kim Kardashian's latest tattoo, or Brooke Hogan's driving test, and I honestly want to kill the person that coined the term "Speidi". Actually, I might as well kick my own ass for even knowing the term existed. Hell, I blame Fox for making Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie and their love/hate affair with underwear even relevant.

The sad but true point of all this is TV as a medium is dying, well in its current form anyway. So networks are looking for cheap programs to fill the gap. Unfortunately, some dope that looks good in a suit, a dozen roses, and a few media whores looking for their 15 minutes of fame is a lot cheaper to fund than an elaborate drama or comedy with writers, casts, special effects and what have you. Which sucks, because it means we will see less ground breaking shows like "The Wire" and more along the ilk of "Steven Segal: Lawman."

In my opening I was hinting at the Winter Olympics, well I hope thats what you thought if not I am a worse writer than my mom says I am. (I'm kidding, kinda) However, if you wanted reality, and I mean actual reality it was all there.

From the devastation and horror of the unfortunate death Georgian Luger, Nodar Kumaritashvili, and the bravery of his small group of Georgian teammates coming to the opening ceremonies, obviously devastated, but were there in honour of their fallen teammate.

The Slovenian cross country skier, Petra Majdic, who fell 10 feet off the run during practice and injured her ribs yet sucked it up to take bronze. Let me tell you I have bruised my ribs, I thought I was dying and didnt want to leave my bed, let alone slap two boards to my feet and shushed my way to a medal.

Joannie Rochette, Canadian Figure Skater, who lost her mother the day before she skated her first program and yet brought home a very emotional bronze medal.

Now that is reality...

If you cant be with the one you love, love the one you're with...

One of the best orators of all time Jesse "The Body" Ventura once said "Win if you can, Lose if you must, but always, always cheat." Somehow I doubt he was talking to the makers of romantic movies but here we are anyway.

Maybe it's because I pack a penis between my legs, but I don't understand romantic movies, or commonly known as "chick flicks." Honestly, I have been dragged to way too many of these movies by girls , and 90% sucked so much they could take the chrome of the off a trailer hitch... umm the movies not the girls... well on second thought... nevermind...

But it has occurred to me that a lot of these masterpieces are based on the woman cheating on her boyfriend, fiancee or even husband with her soon to be "true love" and everyone live happily ever after in love. BUUUUUUUUUUUULLSHIT!! I am sorry it does not work that way. I would pay to see a guy cheat on his fiancee then tell her that he's found his true love, and see how well that would go in real life. He better have one hell of protective cup on, if not he will be singing soprano pretty quickly.

Don't believe me? Lets look at the some of the main offenders...

"Sweet Home Alabama"... Reese "Glass cutter Jaw" Witherspoon plays a New York fashion designer who gets engaged to son of the mayor of New York (Played by Patrick "McDreamy and Meatballs 3" Dempsey). One problem here, she's already married to a guy living in yonder hills in Alabama. So the so called heroine in this movie, not only is just short of committing bigamy she also has the worst divorce lawyer ever. She ends up going back to her original husband after forcing him to sign divorce papers.

What a mind fuck... and poor Meatballs 3 gets left holding the bag at the wedding and all he did was love the girl. Are you kidding me??? If I was Dempsey I'd be pulling out my L'Oreal Paris styled hair. (On a side note, as a man, I could careless what products McDreamy uses so can we cut that marketing campaign please)

While we are on Dempsey lets talk "Made of Honor"... Which follows the pattern guy and girl are friends, guy is a womanizer, guy realizes he loves girl when she's out of town, girl comes back with fiancee. Basically thats how long it took her to go from single to engaged was the amount of time it took you to read that sentence. I kid you not, in fact while you are reading this McDreamy is conspiring against the hubby to be played by Kevin McKidd (who was awesome in HBOs Rome, this movie not so much). While you read this Dempsey is revealing his true feelings and breaking up a wedding. Like honestly, are there really people who put time and effort into breaking up weddings. Needless to say, she loves our "hero" leaves the wedding and everyone is happy except for my favourite Roman soldier. But we are not supposed to care about him, he wasn't on the movie poster.

Hell the mecca of all chick flicks is "Titanic," and I am PROUD to say I have never seen, but know what I do know. Girl cheats on her fiancee, gets drawn in the nude with a giant gem on, and a boat sinks. If we were to bring that into todays culture, Girl cheats on her fiancee, does a cheap home made porno with some fancy ass bling in the name of "art", then a boat sinks and James Cameron makes a billion dollars.

I could keep going with movies like "Leap year," "Rumour has it," Bridges of Madison County," a movie I didn't mind "The Notebook" (ya I'm softie), and so on. So can someone please explain why we have all of these movies about women cheating which have happy endings, yet when guys cheat we have "Fatal Attraction."

Maybe part of the issue I have on this is I was once the guy holding the bag. And don't get me wrong I know both sexes cheat, its a two way street. I also won't sit here and say my relationship was perfect in anyway, one way or another it probably was going to end. But truth be told the so called movie fairytale could come true as she is marrying the guy she cheated on me with. Guess I never should have bought her that copy of "The Notebook". Damn you Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.

I do wish them well, (my ex and her fiancee, not Gosling and McAdams, they can burn in hell) and the few times we have talked since we both say we wish it ended differently, but it took a long time for us to come to that and believe me it hurt. In fact a part of me will always hurt because of it. So the next time you see a movie with some schmuck who watches his girl leave him before the credits roll, give her a big "fuck you" from me cuz I refuse to get drug into that theater... unless... well... nevermind... see paragraph 2

C U Next Tuesday...

Now I know I am not the first to discuss the topic of language and dirty words, hell, the great George Carlin got arrested for the his "7 dirty words" routine. While I wont be arrested for this piece I may shock and offend. Well that is if anyone reads this. If not I am just cursing to myself, and honestly, thats not neither new or shocking.

For you that aren't familiar with the magic 7 that Carlin laid out it goes like this. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. I only want to touch one of these words and for some reason its become the holy grail of cursing and I really would like to know why.

First let me explain where this is all coming from, and shock of all shocks it comes from a comic movie. "Kick-Ass" is coming out shortly and its a R rated movie based on the comic series of the same name. There has been a red band, aka restricted trailer, that has been released featuring one of the characters called Hit-Girl, a foul mouth pre-pubescent killing machine. And when I say foul mouthed, I mean she could out curse a sailor that got his dick caught in the porthole...again... for the seemingly hundredth time... he knows he shouldn't... but he's lonely... ummm where was I going with this... oh right... lots of cursing...

Here is the trailer:

The major complaint about above trailer isn't the graphic violence, it isn't about her wanting a butterfly knife for her bday, it isnt Nic Cage's pathetic attempt a mustache, it is her use of the word.... wait for it... cunt. Wow I even cringed typing that.

But I shouldn't and thats the point. Its only a word. Now I could say fuck till I am blue in the face and now that wouldn't be a problem with most people now. Twenty or thirty years ago it might not have been as easy to say. Hell, I'd be some crack pot on a street corner cursing till the cops took me away, as I would have no internet to rant on. Gotta love progress.

Anyway, can someone explain to me why cunt (there it is again) is so powerful? I asked a few women I know what their thoughts were. (Only when I was sure I wasnt going to get beaten) Some hate it, some don't care, and others aren't fans but they realize its just a word. However, most agreed that it is a taboo word like (get ready there are some doozies) nigger, faggot, spic, and pretty much any offensive word you can come up with. Which I kind of understand but I have yet to see a female rap star give a shout out to her cunts... which if someone does I'm expecting a royalty cheque...

Believe it or not I wikipedia-ed the word, its one hell of an article if you want to read it all. One of the more fascinating things I came across was the fact that some feminists believe that "use of the word acts to reinforce a dehumanisation of women by reducing them to mere body parts." I will have to remember that the next time I get called dork, dick, boner, dickhead and walking hard on. And believe me, I have been called a dork exponentially more than I have called anyone a, well you know....

I am really trying not to play fast and loose with cunt... I mean... bah... lets start that one over...

I am really trying to find some answers here and yet I am still confused on why this word is the most powerful shy of "the N-word". Hell, the British are notorious for using it all the time, its a throw away insult like dipshit, and somehow the world keeps turning. Yet, I was honestly worried when I asked my female friends about it, hell I used the term "c-word". Even when I personally have no fear of the word I was more concerned about their reactions, and usually I am not one to bite my tongue. The funniest thing to me was not one of them even if they liked it or hated could give me a reason why it was so powerful, other than "it just is".

Or like one put it "Twat is a better word"

and if you arent offended yet... here's a musical number...

You think Conan vs Leno was bad idea... a history lesson... part 1

On the eve of Conan O'Brien's final Tonight Show (and what a long and storied run he has had), I thought I would take a look at 2 of my favourite GIANT mistakes TV execs have made in the past. I had another comic book rant on the go but decided to do something topical, I know I'm like Jon Stewart.

1) Fox vs Family Guy.

I will never forget the 99 Super Bowl (or Super Bowl XXXIII for you fans of roman numerals) for several reasons, mainly all John Elway related. But there was also the debut of this new animated show called Family Guy.

I was in my grade 12 year, and I remember me and my buddies discussing how funny this new show was. It was different and off the wall, and we were already quoting it through out the day you would hear several "Oh no" "Oh no" "Oh no" "OH YEAH".

Well shortly after the second season where they never had a guaranteed time slot. You needed a GPS to find what day and channel the show was on. So needless to say they had stagnant ratings because they couldnt gain a following and Fox ripped Family Guy off the permanent schedule. Yet for some reason they still produced a season 3 and decided to put it head to head to head against Survivor and Friends on Thursday night. Ya thats a great idea the 2 biggest rating juggernauts and you think you are gonna compete with a lame duck show. bravo fox bravo. And with that Fox finally gave Family Guy the "Old Yeller" treatment.

Of course you know what happened next, they started releasing what was then the whole series in DVD box sets. Sales were through the roof, plus the Episodes that were in syndication were doing big numbers, its amazing what a steady time slot could do for a franchise. Fox had to scramble they had a hit on their hands yet they cancelled it twice already. Plus they already had Seth McFarlane working on a new show called American Dad. Which has now lead to Seth McFarlane having 3 shows and slowly taking over the planet. Hell if his live action show "The Winner" had any traction he would president of the company in 3 years.

So 5 years after the cancellation after season 3, Fox ordered season 4 and its been around ever since. The opening gag of the first episode back was pure genius, Peter lists off a bunch of shows that Fox started and cancelled during their "hiatus". Brilliant.

So what did we learn, Fox cancelled a show twice in 3 years only to have it become a cultural animation phenomenon second only to the Simpsons. Luckily, Fox retained the rights to it, starting later this year another former Fox show will be starting anew on Comedy Central. I cannot wait to see where Futurama goes from here.

Ill be back with part 2 later... it involves a song and a nations passion. Its amazing how one little television jingle turned into a multi-million dollar war.